Chocolate Weed
by jihad
Summary: A DN: AU MxN, Don't like, Don't read. Mello has had enough of years of unrequited love, though the blond doesn't take his best friend's advice to make move instead of trying to get Near's attention by trying to beat him in everything.


**Hey guys! This is my first DN fanfic on here, so I hope you really like it. I was pretty bored, so I decided to write an MxN because that's my OTP, and there's really nothing that would convince**

**me that MxM is real, so don't even start, Deal with it.**

**It's an AU, With Mello and Near, (MxN) and it's basically Romance, Comedy, Gag. **

**Comedy/Gag because those are Ohba's (the writer of Death Note) favorite genres. And since he's the reason I'm a fan of Death Note and making fan fiction anyway, I thought, Why not make it something Ohba likes? ^ ^**

**M for Mello and Matt's language and cruel humor, and some situations...**

**well and depending on where I'm going to take this, (lol porn/smut spoiler much?) We'll see, I might use drugs in this, or VERY inappropriate jokes, knowing me lol, so don't consider this much of some kind of M Sexuality spoiler.**

**(Oh and I hope you don't think, that I think that drugs are cool and that's why I want to put them in my story. Drugs AREN'T cool, and DO NOT take them, Just saying, I need drugs to drive this story, because of the plot I have thought up so far, Thank you for understanding.) ^ ^ *shot***

**Well, I don't have much more to say, but, the fact that yes, this begins pretty slow and uninteresting, maybe I suck at humor, and this will be quite bland, but I hope you give Chapter 2 a chance,**

**because it will only get better! The thing is, I have started with all the middle story stuff, and the bridge of the story, but not the first Chapter to carry the story out, (I know, I suck,) but I hope**

**you hold on until chapter two! It will be published soon. **

**Hopefully, you'll review, and tell me if you like it, hate it, maybe even love it. Favorites are cool too. Reviews, are like Marshmallows and yaoi and stuff you like. (BTW, this is pretty important; Since I would like to maybe become a writer or novelist when I graduate, maybe leave some reviews on how my writing is/is going? Thanks in advance if you choose to do this!)**

**I won't abandon this story unless, really someone tells me not many people find this to their liking, Because I don't wanna waste your time! :c I don't want to be mean like that!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked, Life still sucked badly, because I am not remotely clever or talented enough to own Death Note, Mello, and Near.**

**So, yeah. Death Note, (c), 2001, Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata. (I wont go though that every chapter but, I will still make some shitty, pathetic disclaimer.)**

**Have a nice day! Hope you like, enjoy, once more! **

1

6:01, Whammy's House: Mihael Keehl's room.

"get out of bed." buzzed the black iPhone on the bed side table. It kept shaking in vibrates, screaming an annoying tune out of its digital lungs.

Mello triggered his hand up, his face still buried deep in his pillow, flopping around violently in every direction, questing to feel the rugged edges of the wood bed side table. Finding the furniture, It finally made its way to the bustling iPhone, and turned the disturbing alarm off and ignored the notification Matt had set for him, to go with the alarm, to actually get up for Whammy exams early.

Well, of course, Mello stayed up late as usual eating all kinds of chocolates he either stole from the kitchen, other children, or small shops downtown. Oh, and while having a chocolate fix, (Never mind, the fix, Mello is never satisfied no matter the amount of chocolates,) the guy stares at his stolen picture of Nate River (also known as, Near,) and pretty much masturbates the rest of the night. The stash PlayBoy magazines Matt lent him the first time he needed a jacking off didn't work, so Matt decided to steal the Near's Whammy picture from Roger's office. (He had all of the Whammy's kid's pictures.) At first Mello skinned Matt for risking it, but then he was really happy he got it, and has been simulating sex with it ever since.

It was really was nice looking picture of Near though. He had a nice plaid shirt on, that kinda turned Mello on for some reason, and his white hair brilliantly shining, and as crisp looking as a puffy cloud. His smile was strained, but Near never smiled, so it had to do. Plus, if you have a beautiful lip closed smile, that wasn't even tried to look best, you we're perfect. He hides the picture under his bed, in the dusty copy of 'Lolita', after he's done. Mello would be foolishly devastated, and destroyed if anyone found out he really had a secret crush on the person he bullies, and well 'hates' the most, in the entire world.

6:10

"get the fuck up bitch!" the iPhone started to panic in vibrate and annoyingly sing the alarming tune once more. Mello again, shut the thing off, and relieved the iPhone shut up, tried to calmly seep into rest again, until a few swished seconds later. (It only seemed like seconds, to Mello.)

6:11

"no srsly get yo ass out of bed" it jolt back on, barking it's alarm. Mello grunted, groaned, and turned, shutting the main disturbance to his morning off, once again. He sighed and tried to squeeze his lids back to hitting the hay.

6:12

"omg get up faggot" again it went. Mello made a mental note to self to shoot Matt about as much times he set the the alarm to go off and yell at him. He rumbled and switched it off again. He didn't feel like taking an exam, He was going to lose to Near anyway, longing and silently wishing he could finally beat him to get his attention and affection, and grumbling and cussing angrily on the outside, throwing a fit of rage and wanting for alcohol and chocolate. Maybe even both. Don't they sometimes put wine or gin in chocolates? Don't the come full in a lovely box? Drooling, Mello decided to forge another mental sticky note to his brain, to buy that after he takes the exam.

6:13

"get uppppppppp sweeetttieee, Near is waiting outside the door in his birtdae suit to fuq you hardddddd~ 3 go get da lubbbeee"

_Matt. Fuck you. You're totally dead. Near's going to bake oatmeal cookies, the cookies you hate the most, for the food at your funeral, I'm going to be the DJ, and Kate Nash's song "Dickhead" is definitely going on the playlist, along with Lily Allen's "Fuck You." _Mello tumbles on through his brain, about Matt's soon departure party.

6:14

"uqh get up fuq up niqqa mattquisha aint qonna wate on yo broke lezbian ass all dae mm~ mm~!"

_Ugh!_ Another mental note; Make an impossible to guess lock code, so Matt could not get in and mess with your iPhone settings.

6:15

"FINE HOE BE LATE!"

_Thank you. _Last freaking notification, and fucking rowdy alarm. Relief, beauty, peace and quiet. Probably.

6:16

"lol dont forget to bring back the cucumber cantaloupe lotion you borrowed from me last night to jack off, okay have a nice day faggot" the iPhone buzzed the last thing it ever had did in its smart phone life, and it was violently hurled against the wall.

"ARRRRRGGGG!" Mello stretched and raged at the same exact time.

_No. I don't wanna get up. I don't wanna see Near's stupid big head and stupid pretty face. No. I don't wanna take the test, knowing I'll be the second one to pass successfully, is getting old. Ugh. Why can't I just sleep in? Why can't Near just love me? Why do I have to try so hard and fail? Fuck._

He banged his fist against the bedside table, and groaned in annoyingly.

This wasn't going to be a good day for Mihael Keehl. He staggered out of bed, blinking at light speed to fully awake. After that was done, he marched out his door and into the bathroom. He gazed at his reflection in the mirror.

_Ugh it's my face. I'm tired of looking at my fucking face. It's annoyingly old news. Hmmm... Maybe I look a bit sexy today? _He cocked his face to the side, and made a seductive head nod, his mouth agape.

_ Maybe he's born with it, Maybe it's Miiihaeeeel._

He sang the Maybelene jingle with his customized lyrics, delighted with his appearance today. Quite erotic. Perfect. Maybe he'll make Near erect as much white his enormous head of hair contains, today. On the thought of Near, his thoughts went vice versa at once. _You look like shit, Keehl._

Mello wasn't going to let this fly. He needed his self confidence today, especially it it was the Whammy Exam.

_No. Shut up. You're Mihael Keehl, you look so fucking good. No pun intended, babe. _His only self confidence left at the moment, had tried to sooth him. Then it just went back to negative thoughts, thinking about how ambrosial Near looked everyday.

_Hahaha, No, loser! Look at me, I'm ugly, and scary. _His face mocked at him.

_No! You look AMAZING! And now, look at your body, So fuckable, so erotic. _Self confidence tried once more. Mello suddenly felt as if he literally just got fed a pack of cookies, but then realizing they had bullshit inside them, as his body spoke up;

_Shut up fatty, you have your whore mother's hips. _

_ Now go cry and brush your stupid creepy teeth. _His face told him.

_ Pfft More like alligator razors. _His pearly whites, cracked.

Mello's mood sank, and his malicious, confident grin had faded, and transformed instantly into a miserable frown. When it came to Mello, he really thought he was a pretty sexy human being in general. He never had his self confidence broken apart by anyone. But one person. Who hadn't even spoke to him before, while other's who had actually told him he was a self-centered, ugly prick, never did. Near hadn't even said a word to him, and that got his self confidence so down low, it fell out of his feminine ass. Well, Near had spoken to him once, but, that was a really quiet, "can you please pass the stapler?"

He sighed, remembering his unrequited love's only words to him, got out his tooth brush, and started to brush so fast, that the foam the paste was creating around his mouth started to look like vicious, rabies. Mello laughed, as he found this quite amusing, rinsed it off with mint Listerine, and splashed cold, fresh water on his face. Wiping the left over freezing water drops off, he combed his luscious butter blond hair, the only thing that will always be perfect to him, Even when it came to Near. Knowing his crush's puffy, white bleached hair was always perfect and radiantly shining like one thousand beautiful suns, He still had love for his hair.

_Do you ever stop and just feel your perfect hair? Ugh, Hon, it's like a Egyptian Goddess Cat, Mmm, hmmm. _Mello's hair piped up. Mello's hair unlike the others, spoke with a middle aged, chubby, ghetto black woman's voice. Mello felt it was the only appropriate voice that hair so perfect could have.

"Uh-huh You tell 'em, gurl." Mello snapped, brushing his hair the thousandth with his customized velvet brush, bristols were gold, and soft like they were made from (More like pulled out of) King Neptune's hair. The handle was royal, rich velvet, that sat always to neat in between his palm. The brush was perfect for his luscious Russian agent/Ukrainian prostitute hair. On the back was a stunning silver, M, of course in fancy elegant cursive font. He could not love anything made of chocolate more than this brush. Not even Hershey Land. Not even a chocolate fountain, life size, the architecture made of rich, tasty chocolate as well. Not even Willy Wonka's chocolate Palace he had built for the Prince of Persia (was it him?), Not even Willy Wonka himself. Not eve-You get the point.

Mello straddled out of the bathroom, and back into his bedroom cramming on tight black skinny denim jeans, boots, and a black hoodie. He clicked his now cracked iPhone on.

Friday, August 1st 6:26, It read.

"I still got some time." he mumbled joyfully to himself, jamming it into his hoodie pocket.

_The exam starts at 7:15. So I have enough time to prepare for big head's freaking success once more. I mean honestly, I'd fucking flip my shit if I finally got number one, but when he's announced that he has the top score, he does absolutely goddamn nothing! Just sits there, with a stone face, not saying anything. He twirls his... pretty... hair as Roger comes up to congratulate him... And that's it... Why does he...? Ugh! Never mind, I have no time to get worked up over the genius bastard..._

He was right. He had no need to work up a raged mood, once he had lightened up. It really made him feel in a better mood knowing he had enough time to go out downtown and shop for stuff he enjoys. He headed down the hall for his escape into his personal harmony before the exam.

Though the blond remembered to open Matt's door before he went out the main door. Matt was sitting under his covers, a light shining brightly to his face, (very obvious to see from under the covers anyway,) from his fingertips. Matt never slept. He stayed up all night long either playing angry birds on his Droid, or watching an hour palooza of lesbian porn while eating frozen foods and masturbating to very attractive Japanese models in kinky maid sex costumes. This time he was playing Pokemon Black on his aquamarine DSi, which he only got a few weeks ago. Knowing Matt, the thing wasn't going to last long, it already had greasy food stains all over from ramen, pizza or fried chicken you couldn't really scrape off. and a blurry, cracked camera, (too much mission impossible with sneaking into the women's locker room in the YMCA, he dropped the DSi, as he slipped on all the running shampoo suds, and water) The redheaded, desperate perv, stalks a model he swore he saw on a porn site from Switzerland, every Thursday at the YMCA downtown where she takes a jog, a swim, and a yoga class. The model/porn star is a light blonde, with probably the biggest jugs Mello had actually seen on a woman, a 34D cup. Matt babbles about his unrequited crush all the time, and Mello doesn't want to memorize these kind of things he gets an earful about the porn star from Matt, but he somehow just does. She's 5"5, weighs 104 pounds, and her measurements are 34-21-36, Matt's fantasy rank 10. He had also already went out of his way to buy her a Samus costume for when they have sex. Which, Mello really knows isn't going to happen because she filed a restraining order against him two days ago when he was revealed stalking her in the shower from his unplanned, clumsy slip and...well, Mello shouldn't be talking about diminished fantasies with lovers, and unrequited love as well. Near doesn't really know the blond exists as well. Both boys had crushes who did not love back, and didn't really know much about them. Fun life.

"Hey, Saucy McSaucePot, here's your lotion." he lurched the bottle of the lotion he borrowed as hard as he could at the tall crouching lump under the sticky gray (used to be clean white,) feather down covers.

"OW! THAT STUNG LIKE A BITCH, YOU BITCH!" the lotion made a smack as loud as gunfire as it hit Matt upside the head.

"That's what you get for making my iPhone buzz every two seconds while I was getting my beauty rest! I mean honestly, this. is. a. money. making. face, Jeevas, and it needs sleep!" Mello waved his hand over his apparently-prostitute-face, like he was presenting a magic trick.

"I thought you'd like it." Matt mocked, a little cocky, giving a creepy, 'haha' grin, as he poked his red head out of his gaming cocoon.

"Whatever. Why do you need it back now anyways? This lotion is the best for a good jack-off, and I was planning to have the best one ever to cheer me up after the exam tonight." Mello crisply stated his annoyance to his best friend, as he watched him lit up a fresh Marlboro cigarette.

"Dude, It's the first of the month, Today's August 1st, Playboy's August issue comes out, and that's the one they usually have an annual Summer wrap-up kink-shoot, and I'm a sucker when it comes to half naked babes in Baseball uniforms." Matt blew a smoke ring, his eyes dazzling, from thinking about the new kink-shoot.

"Ugh. Now I have to buy lotion. I have barely any money on alcohol because of you." Mello sighed.

"Lemme guess, You're planning a party for yourself and your pride tonight, from losing a perfect score on the exam to your future husband? Man, just let it go and let the kid win, like usual, and drop it." Matt stretched.

"Yes, you're correct. And you're not invited, by the way," Mello snarled off a cocky tone like rich people use with people below them, which fused into a one with terrible wrath, "NEVER! NEVER WILL I LET IT GO! IT'S LIKE AN IMPOSSIBILITY!" he roared, pounding a clenched fist to the air. His angry pride turned into a strong blood red blush, and wide eyes, an obvious sign his heart was starting to pound faster than a racing horse's, "SHUT UP, MATT! HE IS NOT MY FUTURE HUSBAND!" he whined in embarrassment.

"Yeah, just keep denying true stuff, it's going to get you nowhere," Matt waved Mello off, collecting his bottle of lotion. "See ya, then..." Mello sighed disappointedly, wishing secretly that what Matt had just said was true, and headed downtown.

Downtown had always calmed the raging blond down. There were lights hanging up around the trees, and lit up in a warm glow, (even if it were day time, they would still light the lights up,) and busy people rushing to busy places that for some reason made Mello feel prosperity. Maybe it was because he wasn't as busy, lucky for him, he was free, wandering about the streets, looking at elegant wines, fancy clothing, and cute chocolate cakes about the shops.

He first hit the drug store, bought himself a bottle of gin, and lotion, for tonight's loss, then a store full of leather, which where bought a nice leather belt he had liked, a silver skull and crossbones on the belt buckle, and finished his adventure off with his favorite Chocolate Shoppe, oddly called "Canary Chocolates" Mello didn't get the name, (maybe it was the last name of the first store owner, or something to do with that matter,) but he sure did get the chocolate. Literally. The blond had swaggered out of the shoppe in about thirty minutes with bags full of assorted chocolates and cocoa bars, enough for a lifetime in an average human's life, but for Mello it would have lasted about two days, and not getting any sign of diabetes whatsoever. What was Mello's true power with chocolate? The world would never know.

As he walked through downtown hustling many bags around in his two sturdy arms, he had stopped his attention in front of a popular Toy Store, everyone in town enjoyed it. He saw a display of something lovely, something he wanted to buy for the rest of the money he had. If he didn't have enough money, he was about to return his new, amazing leather cross-bone belt for it. But this wasn't for him, It was for Near. Near loved robots, and this robot was a pretty big, tin, robot, not to mention, very nice painted, and fun looking.

_I know it's not his birthday yet, but... It's coming in about 23 days. Yes. I should be prepared. What if someone else takes it? Then on the 23__rd__, I'll just buy wrapping paper, and bows, and everything nice. He deserves the best. This is probably the best toy the shop sells... _

Mello had bought Near birthday, Christmas, and Valentine presents every single year. Though it always came from a very brash "anonymous..." (on the tag) to the petite, white haired boy. Mello was always glad Near didn't bother to use his 'genius' skills to even bother to figure out who his secret santa/valentine/admirer who sent him gifts, was. Near just had always had a little cute, warm smile tugging at the ends of his lips when he had received Mello's gifts, (well he didn't know they were Mello's but, he looked outrageously happy anyway,) and that meant the world to the blonde. He would always find his heart fluttering looking at Near's surprised, joyful face the moment he had always opened the presents he sent to him. Last Christmas was the best. Near had the biggest growing smile Mello had seen in years, and it was to a black and white plaid scarf that was usually his style, and a pack of really expensive, but fancy, marbles, with little realistic velvet rose petals pressed inside of them. Mello really liked to see him play with them, but he rarely did. It made him pissed, and really sad inside, but when he did take them out, his heart was booming. Remembering last Christmas, though, Mello's face started to tint red once more. It was after, Near had received his present from his "anonymous" giver, when Matt, trying to spike up Mello's Christmas cheer that Near had enjoyed his gift, had started to shove and push Mello into Near and then both of them under the mistletoe. Luckily, Mello skinned him before Near could even notice a redhead and a blonde were pushing, struggling and shoving, toward him. Matt had actually told Mello that this was going to be his new Christmas tradition, and that he was going to succeed pushing both of them under the mistletoe next year. Mello wasn't sure if he was excited for next Christmas or horrified.

Mello had gotten anonymous gifts every year as well. He had no idea who his anonymous giver was, but knew that it was definitely not his lovely bundle of white. Near had never given anyone gifts. Not even Roger, or L, or Watari, or Linda, or Matt. No one. He probably just didn't feel like going out to buy anything, and no one ever sees him leave for shopping Christmas week. It was just probably some girl Mello hasn't even noticed before in one of his AP Classes, or maybe a girl who sat a lunch table across from him. Mello had never noticed anyone stare at him, because he was usually focusing his attention on Near every time he was either in the room or in view, miles away. Near was the only spotlight in his eyes. Though, he always thought about Near too, so that didn't make a difference if Near was in Cuba or right next to him.

Whoever it was, Mello was actually thankful and friendly about the gifts from his secret admirer, (which for some reason he pictured as a girl scout when he thought about it briefly,) they were so neat, and elegant. Wrapped perfectly, (way more perfect than Mello could even try, though his gifts were pretty neatly wrapped as well, the wrapping on the presents he received was way better than he could do,) and each present had contained really good assorted chocolate, (hot cocoa, bars, chocolates filled with other fudge goodies, chocolate milk, chocolate mousse, chocolate pastries, eclairs, a mini cake and cupcake,) from probably the greatest chocolate brand. It was Mello's favorite brand ever in the history of chocolate. It was rich and tasty, nicely sweetened. The only reason why Mello craved and enjoyed it like a once-in-a-life-time experience when he got it on Holidays was because it was impossible it find. It was like the giver himself was flying up to heaven each freaking holiday to go get chocolates from God. It was that good. Mello went out the day after his birthday after he finished ALL the twenty-five chocolates his admirer gave him, to search out for the outrageously delicious brand, but couldn't find shit, or anything really relatively like it.

The other part Mello enjoyed about it was probably the odd little card he would get with type-written text, attached to the chocolate. It didn't say much. No, literally, it had only a small sentence on it. Last year was "thinking of you..." and "wish we could be together..." and "happy birthday mihael..."

Before Mello could even enter the store to buy Near his birthday present, his dying iPhone buzzed its only energy left in his hoodie pocket.

_Matt: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU HOE, THE EXAM IS GOING TO START IN TWELVE MINUTES, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?_

"Shit!" Mello looked at the time. He wandered out so long, that he lost track. There was only twelve minutes left, and that wasn't enough time to get him back to the Whammy's House. His thumbs shuffled across the keys.

_Srry i'll be there asap hold on_

Mello was proud of himself for probably the first time of his life. He ran as fast as he could back to Whammy's, and it only took him nine minutes. He realized if he ran his ass off back and forth, it wouldn't take long to make way through downtown and Whammy's House.

Sure he didn't want to come in as a sweaty wreck in front of Near, but it was worth it not to be late to a Whammy's Exam. If you were late to a Whammy's Exam: You had no dignity. So coming in sweaty was Mello's choice instead of being late. It was less embarrassing anyway.

When Mello arrived into the common room, the desks set up were almost empty. There were a few kids, and no other than Matt. Mello fumed inside. Near wasn't even there to see his pimp, (well, also sweaty,) entrance. This could only mean one thing. Mello wasn't even close to being late.

"DUDE!" Matt bounced, giving a big toothy grin of his yellow teeth, (smoking has really big flaws, when you do it, so, yeah,) and pranced up to him.

Mello had his eyes wide from how fucking stupid he felt about believing Matt that the exams were moved thirty minutes early this year. He huffed silently as his annoying red-headed best friend skipped over to him, cheerily.

"YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FACE! HAHAHAHA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY CAME THE TIME I TOLD YOU TO!" he guffawed. Mello made the most angst-y, "i'm about to bitch slap you," face, an angry clench twitching at his lips.

"Why did you even set this up?" Mello asked annoyed.

"I don't know dude, I just love making you mad, it's funny!" he started to crack up again, smacking his chocolate-slut best friend on the bicep.

"I hate you. Why am I even friends with you, again?" he grunted.

"Dude, you smell like major sweat." Matt intended, giggling.

"Shut up, I know. All because of you, I ran back as fast as I fucking could..." he sighed, then went to a hushed whisper, "Now i'm going to smell bad, in front of _HIM_. You really suck!"

"No sweat dude!" Matt said in a to-the-rescue tone, then breaking back into a small laugh, mumbling, _"Haha, you get it Miha? No sweat? Get it? Haha, and I still wonder why I'm single!" _to himself as he reached into his jacket pocket. Mello rolled his eyes at his stupid pun, "Very punny, faggot." he groaned, watching Matt rustle around in his pocket. Matt packed anything like Mary Poppins. He probably had about more than thirty items stuffed in his jacket for the exam. Mello remembered Matt's last year packing items; Snacks, pencils, pens, sticky notes, lined college paper, paperclips, scissors (if anything), Listerine, a lighter, markers, crayons, colored pencils, ink, highlighters, Zip-Lock bags, bookmarks, smiley face stickers, GameBoy Color, mints, glue, Pokemon Cards, Sharpies, graph paper, tabs, Aloe Hand Sanitizer, Marlboro cigarettes, Red Bull, First Aid Kit, condoms, and push pins. Mello still didn't get why Matt even needed half the stuff for an exam, but Matt probably found a reason for them in his fucked up little world. Plus, it's worse when Matt packs for a trip, or when he goes out for at least a mere hour. Yeah, Matt's a serious packing whore.

"As I was saying, No sweat! I brought Axe for the both of us!" he pulled out the shiny black cylinder, and pointed it toward Mello. Mello backed away a few steps and yelled before Matt could spray anything out of the can, "Dude, what the fuck is that? Don't point it at my face!" Mello rapidly started to wave his hands in front of his money making face for protection.

"Relax man, It's deodorant spray! It makes you smell like sex!" Matt proudly directed the bottle towards himself, spraying the smell of "sex" all over him, basking in it's glow. He took a long sniff, waving the invisible aroma up to his nose. "AAAAHHHH! See?" Matt popped back into reality, taking smaller whiffs at the dozen. Mello breathed the manly scent in, and decided it smelt pretty good. It was like a dark, energetic, oriental with strong spice and tobacco musk. Well maybe the tobacco musk was just Matt, but the cigarette smell along with the Axe smelt really good.

"I brought it to attract the ladies... You know, if a hot babe sits next to me..." Matt simulated a rather too played out, seductive head nod. Mello couldn't help but laugh because it looked so overacted.

"Well, I don't need to attract 'hot babes' just... _him_..." Mello's voice was barely a whisper, but intended for Matt to hear for an strait forward argument that he really didn't need to wreak of Axe.

" WELL, it also attracts gay men, so if you want to see if you really do have a chance with Near, let's test his sexuality out." he whispered back. Matt was a good friend when it came to secrets, he didn't yell stuff like that out so it always comforted Mello when they talked about Near in public.

"Alright, hit me." Mello spread out his arms and legs, so Matt could get every inch of his body layered in Axe. After that was done, Mello slumped into a desk in the seventh row, thinking only about Near, wondering what he was going to do when his crush came in, and how he was ever going to get his attention. Matt sat next to him leaning in his seat, his palms straddled behind his head, legs stretched out to the seat in front of him. Two minutes later of thinking about unrequited love, and mumbling "hot babes, hot babes,"

Mr. Morris the Wammy Exam instructor came into the room. Both boys sighed in relief because the wait was not much longer for the Exam to start and be over with.  
>"Feet off desk Mr. Jeevas, Sit up Mr. Keehl," he drawled bitter, through his teeth. The redhead and the blond jolt awake and did what they were told. If they told him to fuck off, like they did to every other teacher, he would've smacked them hard with his plastic yard stick. And that bitch hurt, hard. It's what he does when student's misbehaved during the exam. So, the only time when Matt and Mello couldn't have their way with teachers was when they took the exam, because Mr. Morris was definitely unlike the others. Plus, everyone hated him with a passion because if he catches you even looking up from your exam you get beat with the yard stick.<p>

"Man," Matt whined, bellowing into a whisper to Mello, "I need to look cool, I mean honestly how else is a hot babe going to get attention to sit right next to me?" Mello nodded simultaneously, not really paying attention to Matt's seating needs, as he flicked a piece of white lint off his hoodie. There was no white clothes around him. How did he get the piece of white lint to flow on his black hoodie? Mr. Morris directed his gaze back at Mr. Jeevas after he wrote the date on the board. Mr. Morris had ears like a hawk. Guess Matt kinda forgot.

"There will be no sitting next to 'hot babes'," he spat out 'hot babes' like, 'you're fired', "Also, there will be no sitting next to your lesbian best friend," he pointed his plastic yard stick at Mello, as he sharply said his words into Matt's ears, "This year, Seats are going to be assigned. I'll be putting out name tags in just a minute."

"Mr. Morris, I am male..." Mello tried hard not to scrunch his face into a look of angry wrath.

"Whatever, You look like a girl, and a lesbian to me." Mr. Morris turned back to the board.

"Can't a guy have long, beautiful hair? And his mother's hips?" Mello screeched, taking in horrid offense.

"No." he bitterly hissed out, writing out a few important rules of the exam onto the board.

"Why that-" Mello clenched his fists about to pound Mr. Morris to death.

"Wait..." Matt placed his hand on Mello's shoulder, and sprayed another cloud of Axe onto Mello. He wasn't simply stopping Mello from beating Mr. Morris, (believe me, Matt would've killed the twat any day from countless yard stick massacres he had gotten,) he just had a genius train of thought, shoot into his brain, and he had to share it instantly with his lesbian best friend.

"Dude, this is your final break!" his eyes popped with excited brilliance.

"What? Beating Mr. Morri-"

"No. You know how you love and hate the exam? Well aside the hating part that you always lose, you love it because it's the basic only time you're in the same room as _HIM_, you know, aside from lunch where you're too chicken to make a move, and since you two don't have any classes together, you love taking the exam in the same room as him! It calms you down dude, and you're always finding little excuses to stare at him, I've seen it happen!"

"Wait, I don't get how this is my big break? This happens every year..." Mello had his cheeks tint red. He didn't know it was that noticeable that he finds ways to glance at Near during the exam. They get three hours. It's perfect, too. Lunch is only thirty minutes, so this was definitely Mello's favorite time to see Near. (And his unfavorite, considering he fails to grab his attention, and winning position of number one.)

"I'M SAYING, There's a huge chance Mr. Morris will put you next to Near!" Matt silently threw his fists up in cheer. Mello's eyes widened. Matt pursed his lips into a goofy, "i'm genius" smile, and sprayed another vicious cloud of Axe onto his chocolate-slut friend.

"Okay stop that, you ass, I wreak of that shit a mile away already," he smacked the can out of Matt's hand, "How do you know there's a huge chance?" Mello blushed, heart thumping in hope.

"You know, alphabetical order and shit." Matt shrugged, accidentally said louder than intended to. Mr. Morris flung back around to the red-head.

"Language, Jeevas!" he barked. Matt was surprised Mr. Morris hadn't thwacked him with the yard stick yet, for his foul language.

"You know, alphabetical order, and slit..." Matt tried, automatically face palming at the stupid replacement he had made for his cuss word. Mr. Morris opened his mouth again, and this time it was something Mello wanted to hear.

"Yes, I have arranged the seats in alphabetical order. Though, you won't be sitting with Mr. Keehl, Matt, you two are an abomination together when it comes to sitting next to each other so I'm putting you way in the back with the Y's and Z's, and not with the rest of the L's, M's, N's and O's." he drawled.

"Awww man." Matt whined. He was looking forward to stalking Mello and his future boyfriend hook up in front of him. Oh, and Matt never really studied for the test so he always copied off Mello. He was probably going to get a B- or C+ this year. Matt was glad he was pretty smart, because without that, he would've got a D-, and that meant getting kicked out of the Wammy House into either an orphanage or foster home.

"FUCK YES!" Mello cheered.

"LANGUAGE, KEEHL!" Mr. Morris urged out again, surprised another student had yelped out yet another cuss word.

"Sorry!" Mello called back. He turned around to the middle row. That's where he and Near would be sitting. His heart beat like a drum with excitement, himself getting a bit over worked, knowing the fact Near might talk to him. And, Mello could talk to him, without an awkward excuse! They were sitting next to each other! It was perfect, perfect, perfect! After breaking a a huge blood red blush knowing that this was his "big break", and nervous sweat, Mello ran to the other side of the room where he had smacked the bottle of Axe over, and sprayed the manly musk all over himself.


End file.
